Archive for the ‘Films’ Category

Alice in Wonderland

April 14, 2010

Phallus in Wonderland

Tim Burton’s wildly unimaginative approximation of the already interest-free Alice is a film experience akin to finding a lump of floating shit in the toilet of a loved one; one of disgust, disbelief and profound disappointment.

Burton’s visual landscape is bereft of any flair or beauty and his miserable attempts at backward storytelling are paper thin and nauseating. The overrated and overused Depp and Bonham-Carter are in themselves enough to warrant a refund and the petulant Wasikowska paints the ‘ heroine’ Alice as a hideously malnourished insectival wretch, but it is Matt Lucas’s odious performance as the Tweedles that truly takes the cake as the most poorly conceived, irritating and downright vomit incucing cartoon creation since the entire cast of Avatar.

Shutter Island

April 14, 2010

Shitter Island

As Leonardo Di Caprio sunk slowly out of sight into the murky ocean at the end of the hateful Titanic it was a victory for us all. And we silently prayed that by some divine intervention that it wasn’t staged, that the turgid fop really had perished in that freezing abyss, that, mercifully we had seen the last of him. Unfortunately, the irksome manchild was to star in a seemingly endless string of mediocre movies in the coming years, the most recent of which is the abominable Shutter Island.
That the film betrays its ‘twist’ ending within the first fifteen minutes means the audience is left to judge the film on its own (de)merits, of which there are strikingly few. The supporting cast is frighteningy weak and the plot holes are rife throughout, but this is of course grossly overshadowed by Di Caprio’s redundant portrayal of his ‘character’.
When the ending finally does arrive it is so laboured and insultingly drawn out that it may as well be a sequel, the obligatory ambiguous ending has about as much impact as a wet nappy and in fact just feels like a slap to the face.

Synecdoche New York

April 12, 2010

A debilitating, headache inducing sleeping pill

Charlie Kaufman can work miracles for some people. With Being John Malkovich he created a vehicle which Cameron Diaz rode to somewhere just about approaching an actress, and allowed a slovenly, sweaty Nicholas Cage to blunder his way through not one but two forgettable parts in the disappointing Spike Jonze flick Adaptation. A film in which he reveals himself to be an egotistical, self doubting car wreck of a human being, the only type of person who could be so cruel as to bring the pitifully self indulgent mess of Synecdoche to the screen. The ‘film’ constantly begs the question why? Just what the fuck is actually happening? Its suddenly 7 years in the future? Now he’s married? Now he has pustules. Now its been 17 years, but everyone looks the same? Now nothing is going on.

Nothing.

For 2 hours I sat through this neurotic cry for euthanasia, and for that I will forever hate myself. 2 whole hours of this interminable, risible disaster. And after that I drank 2 bottles of wine and got thrown out of a nightclub because that’s what I had to do. It was the only way to deal with what I had done. The shame I had brought upon myself for propagating this man’s dismal career.

White on Rice

September 15, 2009
500 Days of Infinite Playlist

500 Days of Infinite Playlist

Do we really need any more of this pithy waffle? It’s Garden State with an asian. Just fuck off with this insubstantial tripe. Go back to smoking tab ends from the street and stop bothering me with this ‘indie’ hogwash. Dave Boyle my arse.

Let the right one in

September 11, 2009

Dross. Faux- Atmospheric gimcrackery. A folderalic trump sausage wrapped in vampiric sex meat.