Archive for September, 2009

Monsters of Folk

September 22, 2009

beached_whale

Conor Oberst is a wet git. Live 5 years ago he was stoned and swimming in Bourbon, barely able to strum the simplistic chord sequences he’d thrown together on Wide awake, a record so laughably meek that it’s signature tune is now doing its rounds in bank adverts. Now he’s hanging with a new batch of blithering gas-bags, and these de-caffeinated mooks can put you to sleep even without Oberst’s expert help. Together their whining is unbearable.

Pearl Jam – Backspacer

September 22, 2009
Not to be confused with a rock band

Not to be confused with a rock band

Pearl Jam were only ever OK, surfing Nirvana’s mudslide before exploding into nothingness like Cobain’s skull fragments some time after Vs failed to enduce even a hint of passion from the public. So once again they poke their bony noses up through the earth to smell the stagnant air, sneezing out another CD shaped disappointment with it. Vedder was servicable on the ‘Into the Wild’ soundtrack with his sparse rambling, only silence would have been preferable.

Mew – No more stories…

September 17, 2009

beached_whale

This shower of chinless oafs have crafted a record so mindsplittingly passionless and stolid, so stunningly vacuous, so callously listless and so categorically underwhelming that it makes me want to cry for all humankind.

Yo La Tengo – Popular Songs

September 16, 2009

beached_whale

It’s the same old same old Yo La Tengo, same runny muesli sound; same washed up chords; same ugly, ugly people behind it. The trademark soporific Yo-La sludge were painfully used to: You’ll fall instantly asleep, but you’ll wake up caked in your own sloppy shit.

The Antlers – Hospice

September 16, 2009

Sshhhh

The Antlers are not Yo La Tengo, even if they do use the same technique of writing terrible songs, drenching them in reverb and then turning the volume way down. Death surrounds this record. Lets hope death swallows it.

Fuck Buttons – Street Horrrsing

September 16, 2009

Straight Horrrseshit. Pretentious and genuinely boring, the pathetically named Fuck Buttons have succeeded in making noise music entirely pedestrian, yet without being any more listenable for it. Pitiful dross.

Pavement Pizza

September 16, 2009
$pitting on Stranger$

$pitting on Stranger$

Indie’s most threadbare plaid-rock act Pavement are back next year. “Finally! A cheque with enough zeros!” touts a dribbling Malkmus. They’ll no doubt be parroting their timeworn ‘jams’ to rose-tinted, liver-spotted tea-sippers the world round. Expect the pussiest ATP yet.

White on Rice

September 15, 2009
500 Days of Infinite Playlist

500 Days of Infinite Playlist

Do we really need any more of this pithy waffle? It’s Garden State with an asian. Just fuck off with this insubstantial tripe. Go back to smoking tab ends from the street and stop bothering me with this ‘indie’ hogwash. Dave Boyle my arse.

Muse – The Resistance

September 15, 2009

Like a beached whale bloating and festering in the sun, Muse drag the sorry carcass of orchestral pomposity back into our lives. Bellamy can get down with Freddie Mercury now ’cause Muse are deader than Patrick Swayze.

Arctic Monkeys – Humbug

September 14, 2009
Artists Impression

Artists Impression

 They’ve been swimming in the maingy soup of dead skin and pubic hair that is Josh Homme’s cold bathwater, suckling at his dusty teat in vain hope of any kind of musical sustainance. They failed miserably, the guitars still only have one string and Turner’s well of painfully mediocre lyricisms has run drier than the blood in Homme’s ancient veins. What did we expect from the Monkeys though? Anything but excrement would be a lie.